


I'm Sorry

by LastKnight3219



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Suicide Attempt, sui - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-01-24 14:01:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1607723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LastKnight3219/pseuds/LastKnight3219
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>what happens, in my head, after the season 3 finale</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Suicide Attempts
> 
> I own nothing.

I’m Sorry

Emma turns from Regina, the full impact of what she has done still being absorbed.

  
“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry Regina, I didn’t know who she was” repeating the words over and over while in her head Regina’s words are so loud, echoing and rebounding back. It feels like sledge hammers pounding against her brain from the inside out.

  
Knees buckling, grabbing a nearby table for support, suddenly nauseous a new thought emerges- _I may as well have ripped her heart out, there is NO forgiveness for this_

  
Realizing Regina has understandably left Granny’s, Emma looks to the table where her parents are gazing fondly at Henry holding Neal.

_I have to get Henry to Regina. She should NOT be alone. Why didn’t anyone notice that Regina left? How much time has passed? Did no one see what awful thing I did? Does no one see Hood and Marian? Never mind, get Henry to Regina!_

  
Moving towards their table, Emma is intercepted by Hook.

  
“I distinctly remember telling you to leave that woman to her fate, love.”

  
“Killian, now is not the time for ‘I told you so’” Emma growls out, pushing past.

  
“Hey, kid. How about we head over to Regina’s? Give Mom and Dad some alone time with Neal? Maybe we can see them again tomorrow after school.” Surprisingly, her voice does not give away any of the inner turmoil.

  
“Oh! You are both leaving so soon? Why don’t you come for dinner tomorrow?” Snow asks while taking Neal back from Henry.

  
“Yeah, maybe. Let me see what Regina has planned for Henry and I’ll get back to you.” Emma replies, bending over to kiss Neal goodbye.

  
“Okay, lets go kid” jingling her keys, Emma heads to the door with Henry following.

  
Neither say anything until they are in the Bug.

  
“Emma, what is going on? You know I don’t have school tomorrow and Mom is not expecting me tonight.”

  
“I accidentally really hurt Regina, Henry. I have done a terrible thing and I am sure she will not see or talk to me but she should not be alone right now. I need you to spend some time with her, ok?” Telling even this little bit aloud, Emma feels tears start to fall.

  
“What did you do? Never mind, you won’t tell me. Do you want me to try to talk Mom into talking to you?”

  
“No, kid. As a matter of fact, I don’t want you talking about me at all.”

  
Starting up the Bug, they make the short drive in silence.

  
Parking outside the mansion, Henry is surprised when Emma gets out as well.

  
“You coming in?”

  
“No, I don’t think that would be a good idea. I just wanted to give you a hug, that’s all.” Arms still wrapped around Henry, Emma murmurs “I will keep away for a few days, so don’t worry about me. Take care of your Mom. You know I love you more than everything, right?”

  
“Yeah, Ma. I know. Now lemme go already”

  
Getting back in the Bug, Emma watches Henry walk up to the door and go inside.

  
_Ok, she’s not alone. No way will she turn Henry away_. _Time to head back to our room at Granny’s_.

Back in the room at Granny’s Emma takes off her boots, flops on the bed with a pen and a pad of paper.

* * *

“Umm, Mom? Can I ask you something?” Henry asks between mouthfuls of apple pancakes.

  
“Yes, dear. But please wipe the excess syrup off your mouth before you do."

  
“I don’t want to upset you, but have you heard from Emma? It’s been over a week.”

  
“What do you mean? Has she not been texting or calling you?” Both eyebrows raised in surprise then lowered quickly.

  
“No. when she dropped me off, she said she would stay away. I guess that meant no calls or texts. I don’t want to make you madder, but I am getting worried that something is wrong.” Shy puppy dog eyes look up.

  
“I am not mad, Henry.”

  
“Moom, come on, you won’t even say her name. Or Ms. Swan. Or the Sheriff. Emma said….” The clatter of Henry’s fork hitting against the plate as he clamps one hand over his mouth startles them both.

  
“I was furious, but not anymore. I assumed you had been receiving calls. Please tell me what was said, dear.”

  
“Well, she said she hurt you on accident. That it was a terrible thing. That you should not be alone, I was supposed to take care of you. And she was crying. Then when she dropped me off, she hugged me for a really long time and said that she loved me more than everything.” The longer Henry spoke, the quieter his voice became, and tears pooled in his eyes. “So why hasn’t she called?”

  
“Oh, Emma” Regina sighed, coming around the kitchen table to hug Henry. “I don’t know, dear, but I will try to find out.”

* * *

 

Regina first calls Snow.

  
“Yes, hello Snow. Have you heard from you daughter lately?” _Keep it short, be civil._  
“Regina?? No, not since they went camping. Is something wrong? Has Henry not called you?”

  
“And who might ‘they’ be, dear?” _insufferable woman_

  
“Emma and Henry, of course. Who else?”

  
“Did the one handed pirate go with them?” _it’s like pulling teeth, how on earth does she teach_?

  
“Hook? No, he left town a week ago. Regina, is everything alright?”

  
“Yes, dear. Everything is fine. I am sorry, I have to take another call. Good day.” _thank the gods that is over with_


	2. Where is Emma ?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> same as 1st chapter. TW: Suicide Atttempts  
> Takes place after season 3 finale  
> that is all you get : )

 Regina gathers up her keys and cell deciding that phone calls simply will not do.

“Henry, I am going to…run a few errands.” _Not exactly a lie but very close. Looking for Emma may take a while and I don’t know what I will find out._

“Are you going to look for…um….Ma?” Henry asks as he steps out of his room, controller in hand. “Because I wanna come too!”

“Henry, let me try to find her first. When I do I will call you, ok?” _If she left with that pirate, Henry will be devastated_.

“Yeah, ok Mom. But can you call with…I dunno…updates or something? So I know where you are?”

“Yes, that is a good idea. I intend to be back around lunch time. Would you like something from Granny’s?” _I want to talk to Ruby, her nose might come in handy_.

“Burger & fries? Please? “

“Yes, alright.” Quickly giving in with a tilt of her head and a short nod Regina continues “But we will be eating a healthy dinner, young man.”

* * *

 

A quick drive to Granny’s reveals a mundane main street. _Lets drive around back_. _Well she didn’t drive away at least._

Parking next to the Bug, Regina tries to decide if it looks any different. _Same death trap on the outside._

Getting out of her Mercedes, Regina wonders _Would Emma willingly leave without her car?_

The driver’s door is unlocked and nothing seems out of the ordinary in the Bug, either. _Okay, lets check their room_.

A quick wave defeated the door lock, revealing a standard if slightly messy room. It was obvious which bed was Henry’s-made to Regina’s standards. The other twin had been sat or laid upon, the comforter not flat and smooth, the pillows scrunched up at the headboard. But not like there had been a fight.

Standing in the middle of the room, turning around slowly Regina did not see any blood, or any evidence that things were not as if Emma and Henry had just left. Nothing glaringly missing, either. _So, if something bad did happen, it did not happen here._ The nightstand, chest of drawers appeared undisturbed.

The tiny bathroom held the usual personal hygiene items.

Deciding to check the nightstand next to Henry’s bed, Regina sees something peeking out from under a pillow. Reaching slowly for the pillow, holding her breath without knowing why, Regina’s fingers brush across _it’s an envelope, strange_.

Pulling it out from under the pillow, it is marked For Henry in Emma’s scrawl. _Ok. A letter or at least several pieces of paper. And something else_.

Sitting down on the bed, Regina just holds the envelope, staring at it with dread. _For Henry. Gods, what is this? Should I read it? That will make Henry angry. But I need to know what is in this. It may tell me where Emma is. Lets open it._

Opening the envelope, out falls the keys to the Bug startling Regina. Leaving them on the floor, unfolding several pieces of paper, the top one also in Emma’s handwriting:

 

Dear Henry,

I did not know when I gave you up that you would grow up to be such an amazing, wonderful, caring person. I had hoped (begged, pleaded to whatever god would listen) that you would not end up like me, bounced around, but to find yourself in a warm, loving HOME.

And it turns out that you did. Regina, despite her past, is a terrific Mom. One you should be eternally grateful for. I won’t bore you with all the material things I had to do without, they don’t really matter anyway when you weigh them against love. You have to know by now, with everything that has happened, that Regina loves you so fiercely and yet so tenderly that if it could be placed on a scale the weight of the Earth could not displace it.

You are so lucky to be her kid.

It really was your best chance to be away from me. I was not ready to be an adult, much less a mother, and you would have suffered, I would have failed.

Having had some time to grow up a bit, you found me. Looking back now, it was the best birthday present ever. I know you think you found me to break the curse, but I think it was to save me.

Because of you, Henry, I got to meet and get to know you. And my parents. And lots of fairy tale characters/people who turned out to be much more than what was written about them. And last, but not least, I got to meet and get to know your Mother.

You are so important to me that I have decided to give you, with your Mother’s permission, the Bug. The keys should be in here with the title (all legal now). Of course this means you will have to learn to drive a stick shift, but what better car to learn on than the Bug!

With all my love and hugs and kisses,

Emma

 

The other papers are the insurance, registration and title documents. Nothing else. _She left her beloved Bug to Henry! No hint as to why she left or to where or how to contact her. Why no contact information? Maybe she doesn’t know where yet and will call Henry when she gets there. Maybe._

Looking around the room again, Regina searches for Emma’s cell phone, wallet. Something she would normally not leave without. But neither are here. _What does that mean? Does it mean anything?_


	3. Not Here

   

 _Check the trash can._ There are several crumpled up papers. Sitting back down on the bed, Regina starts to smooth them back out. Two Emma started to write to Regina with more scribbled out like a redacted secret military document so that the remaining words made little to no sense. A third had writing three quarters down the page which would have been legible if some liquid hadn’t been spilled on it before it was crumpled up. _Tears, a lot of tears. Oh, Emma damn it._ And that was it. No more papers. _Lets go to the Sheriff’s Station._ Carefully putting the pages back in the trash can, Regina stands making one more visual sweep before grabbing a pillow off Emma’s bed, quickly bringing it to her face and inhaling Emma’s scent.

Walking to the station _What if David is on duty? What are you going to tell him? Is he going to let you poke around in Emma’s desk?? Can’t have Henry call him, he is supposed to be camping._ Cell phone out and dialing, listening for the telltale beeps for the call being transferred to the duty officers’ cell. _Yes! Out of the office!_ Quickening her pace Regina turns the corner- no patrol car parked outside.

Another lock defeated _another sign no one is here_ Regina sits down in the Sheriff’s chair. The desk top is the usual stacks of paperwork, in basket full as well. Opening the middle drawer slowly, Regina’s breath catches. Cell phone. Powering it on, the wall paper photo of Henry laughing identifies it as Emma’s. _I remember that day, we were picnicking at the park._ Pulling the drawer open fully _Her badge. Okay. We have the Bug, her cell and now her badge. Where is her sidearm?_ Pocketing the cell and the badge, Regina checks the three drawers on each side, finding odd and ends as well as a secret stash of bite sized Hershey’s chocolate.

The combination locked wall gun safe took a bit more effort as the locking mechanism was more intricate, but it clicked open just the same. Shotguns, rifles, ammunition for each…it appears that at least one box of ammo for the handguns is missing. Or at least there are nice, even stacks of every other kind of ammunition except for the handguns. _So Emma has her sidearm, one magazine loaded in the well and 2 spares for reload and a box of ammo. A lot of bullets…what for though?_

Retracing her steps back to Granny’s, Regina calls Henry.

“Hello, dear. No, not yet. I’ve been to your room at Granny’s and the Sheriff’s Station. I am going to pick up our lunch. I’ll be home soon and we can discuss other places to look. No, I haven’t told anyone else. I thought I might speak with Ms. Lucas. Yes, I love you too. Goodbye, my prince.”

Thankfully it is a bit early for lunch and there are only two customers drinking coffee, Regina notes as she makes her way to the counter.

“Regina, what can I get for you?” Cheeky smile and too much cleavage on display.

“Morning, Ruby. I would like a hamburger and fries and my usual grilled chicken salad, to go.”

“Sure. So who’s the burger for? I thought Snow said Emma and Henry went camping?” confusion rather than interrogation.

“I would like to talk to you about that, privately. Confidentially.”

“Okay. Here? Or later?” concerned.

“Emma and Henry did not go camping. Henry is at home. Emma is…missing.” Confiding in Ruby is easier than she thought it would be. “I have been to their room here and the Sheriff’s Station. I have found her Bug, cell and badge. If Henry is correct, she has been gone over a week. 9 days to be exact. Can you still pick up scents that old?” _Cross your fingers for luck._

But Ruby is already shaking her head no. “That is too long for her scent to linger, and even if it wasn’t, I would need a starting place. Where she was last, ya know?” Thinking quickly over what Regina has revealed, “Do you think someone did something TO her?” eyes narrowing, hand on the countertop curling into a fist.

“No, I have not found blood or signs of disturbance where I have already looked. I think Emma…” unable to finish the sentence Regina just trails off.

Ruby’s eyes clear “This has to do with Emma bringing Marian here, doesn’t it. That was 9 days ago. You were, um, shocked.”

“Yes, I am afraid so. I think Emma is doing some sort of penance. For taking away my happiness.” _Funny how that does not make me feel better. Someone doing self-punishment for me. Have to find Emma._

“Oh! Can’t you do a, whatcha callit…location spell or something?” hopeful, bright eyes.

“No, I tried that already at home. Where ever she is, my magic does not ‘see’ her.” Regina sighs and hangs her head.

“Well, she didn’t go with Hook.” Regina snaps her head back up at that. “He was in here all pissed off, trying to find her too. When Snow told him she had gone somewhere camping, he stomped out. I haven’t seen him since. That was…a week ago exactly. So, unless he did do something to Emma and then came in here acting upset...”

“No, I don’t think he would be smart enough to plant the things I have found.” HA! _Emma didn’t leave with that one handed, eyeliner wearing buffoon! Something to feel good about_ smirking “Or that good of an actor, for that matter. Besides, I have personal experience fighting with Emma. She could have taken him.” While a bland admission for Regina, Ruby looked intrigued.

“No, I will not divulge further information Ms. Lucas” the sting was taken away with a small smile.

“The only thing I can think of is the pier. Emma used to go there to get away from everyone and think. And here’s your order. I put it on your tab.” Handing over two sacks Ruby added “If I think of anything else, I’ll call you. If you want some help, call me. Really. I’d be happy to.” Sincerity practically dripped off Ruby’s words.

“I understand. Thank you, Ruby.”

Back in the Mercedes, Regina starts scrolling through text messages, phone logs. Nothing out of the ordinary. Accidentally tapping the Photos icon instead of Contacts, Regina is surprised by the first one that pops up. _It’s_ _a picture of me, sleeping…when? Must have been after a dinner at home. That is my couch._ Curious now, the next photo is a close up of _my face, sleeping. Must be the same time as the other one._ Scrolling through the rest of the photos, Regina finds herself and Henry. _Although it appears that there are more of me than Henry. What does that mean?_

Back at home, lunching with Henry, Regina explains in more detail where she had been. But does not give Henry his letter. _Lets look at the pier first. Or that bench that overlooks the water that we sit watching Henry play with Pongo.  Yes. The bench. Where else?_

“Where else might I look, Henry? Where are her special places? Someplace you two have gone, perhaps?” _Yes- calm, cool, logical._

“There was the castle but that is gone. We would go to movies and Granny’s. Most of the time you were with us Mom.” Frowning Henry worriedly picks at his fries.

“It is okay, I have two more places to check and maybe on the way I will think of someplace else.” Cleaning up the remains of their lunch, Regina stands up, kissing Henry’s bowed head as she passes to the trash can.

“Sweetheart, we will find her. I know she is here in Storybrooke. Why don’t you watch a movie and have some popcorn while I am out?” protecting Henry is second nature but this proving to be difficult for both of them.

 

The pier is devoid of any clues. No trash, no big X-marks-the-spot-Emma-was-here.

The bench _our bench_ brings back memories. _I can see Emma sitting here. Sitting with one leg underneath her, turned slightly towards me but still able to watch Henry and Pongo play, breeze through her hair, big smile, the sun picking out highlights in her eyes. In a word. Gorgeous._

Reining in her memories, focusing on why she is here now, Regina sees ?footprints? on the beach. Almost running down the stairs, onto the beach, she has to slow down. _Heels were not a good choice for beach going._ Moving carefully to the marks in the sand, Regina can plainly see the marks left from someone walking from the water apparently towards the stairs. The prints fade out as the sand lessens. Going back to the deeper prints _I would know the tread marks of those godforsaken boots anywhere. I have cleaned them off my floors to many times not to. But I don’t see any going to the water. Just from. Why would Emma have gone into the water with her boots on?_

                                                                                                


	4. AHA !

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what i think happens after season 3 finale  
> TW: Suicide Attempts

I’m Sorry

Chapter 4

AHA!

 

Sitting back on the bench, Regina thinks about what she has found. _I know where the Bug is. I know she left it for Henry. I have the letter to Henry as well as her cell and badge. No signs of foul play. Emma didn’t leave with the pirate. My magic cannot locate her. I believe she is still in Storybrooke. At some point her boots, at least, were in the water and on the beach. Emma has her sidearm and a lot of ammunition. Emma lied to Snow about going camping with Henry. THINK!_

“No. No no no no, she wouldn’t have.” _Left her precious Bug to Henry. Left her cell. Left her badge. Lied to give herself time for whatever she was really going to do. Was in the water!_

“Gods, Emma. You didn’t try to drown yourself, did you ?” one hand clutching her seemingly not beating heart, the other covering her eyes, head bent down, trying to be as small as possible.

_But the footprints indicate she LEFT the water, on her own. Maybe she went out in the sea but changed her mind. She came ashore!_

Able now to breathe, heart beating again Regina realizes that she may not find Emma alive. Not after nine days. But the determination to find her is stronger now. _Where would she go?_

_Not into the forest. Emma hated the Enchanted Forest. Where could she go that my magic can’t…_

_“_ My crypt! Of course! All the protection spells I have placed on it….” _Genius Emma. One of the most fortified places. Please let her have not forbidden me entry._

Hurrying back to the Mercedes, Regina debates whether to call Henry. _I don’t want him to get his hopes up. I don’t want him to show up there. I don’t know for certain that Emma is there. I don’t know what condition Emma maybe in. Lets wait._

The drive takes no time at all. Not because Regina uses magic. It is because her body is on autopilot driving while her mind plays back memories of Emma. Tears fall unheeded while “Please be there and alive” tumbles out, over and over.

Parking as close as possible Regina isn’t sure her feet even touch the ground before she is inside, tripping the secret latch to swing the sarcophagus aside, and revealing the stairs. _Good, Emma did not bar my entry._ A deep breath later she is down the stairs, lighting the candles with a wave of her hand. Trying to take in every detail, to see if her things have been disturbed, wishing she had not made it so big.

Room to room to room detecting nothing amiss. Panic starting to well up. _Gods, if she is not here what is next? Where else to look?_

Finally, in the last room- Emma! _But she is not awake._ Kneeling down, reaching to check for a pulse. _Warm. She is warm. And breathing._

_Thank you, thank you, thank you!_

Taking in the sight of Emma sitting on the floor against the wall, breathing. Her hair is a tangled mess, red leather jacket zipped all the way up, jeans torn at one knee with a small dried blood stain, the boots still have some sand on the sides.

Pain from one knee makes Regina aware that she is kneeling on something. Picking up her knee to move the offending item _it’s a shell casing. Brass, I think it’s called. A spent shell casing. Emma fired her weapon in here. _Standing up Regina sees that there are several spent casings on the floor. The smell in the air must be gunpowder. _Not several. Lots of spent casings. But there is no one else here. What was she shooting? Where?_

Looking around more closely there are no bullet holes in the walls. Or the paintings. Or the furniture. Or the books and whatnot on the shelves. There is an empty bottle of scotch. And a broken chair. And damaged razor blades. Standing by the remains of the smashed chair, Regina looks up. A rope. Hanging down with what looks like a frayed noose. Tied off around a wall sconce.

Going back to Emma, Regina decides to try to rouse her. _First things first_. Conjuring a chaise, which will be much more comfortable than the concrete floor for both of them, then levitating Emma onto it. Bottled water is next. An IV would be better and if Emma won’t wake one will be needed sooner rather than later. Food will have to wait.

Now that Emma is lying down, a thick angry red blistering raw welt is apparent running under her jaw from ear to ear. _The rope_. Wondering what other injuries are hidden under the jacket, Regina carefully unzips and removes it. There are multiple angry red grooves running up each arm from wrist to elbow. _The razor blades_. Pulling up the hem of the untucked tank top, there are circular bruises…about the size of a fifty cent piece…some are very close to one another, some are separate…some look like multiple bruises layered one atop each other… _this is soft tissue damage. From being shot while wearing a bullet-proof vest. Remember that video that came with the new vests? Better broken ribs than a through-and-through._

Unable to stand any longer with the images of what Emma has done to herself flashing in her mind, Regina perches on the edge of the chaise.

Not knowing which of the various injuries to try to heal first, Regina just starts with the nearest bruise, holding her hand an inch or so above Emma’s flesh while concentrating, willing her magic out gently. _I had forgotten how our magic combines, magnifies._ With the boost from Emma’s magic the bruising on her torso was fading quickly…all of them. _Even unconscious, undirected her magic is so strong._ Glancing up to the nasty welt left by the rope Regina is pleased to see it has faded already to a thin pink line. Tapering off on the amount of magic going into Emma, concerned about overloading her system in her physically weakened state, Regina moves her hand from her torso to the nearest arm and…the cuts are completely gone.

“Thirsty” One whisper soft arid word.

“Here, let me help you sit up.” Quickly opening a bottle of water, holding it to Emma’s lips “Small sips, that’s it…let that settle before you try more.”

“Hurts” a bit louder, clearer.

“Where? Show me where it hurts.”

“Leg…water”

“Here, remember-sips.”

After letting Emma take a few more sips, Regina pivots to face Emma’s feet. The dried blood stain at the knee is dry no longer. Nor small. Tearing the hole wider, Regina’s eyes widen and she barely restrains a gasp. A piece of the chair had been embedded in the leg starting just above the knee reaching up to mid-thigh like a splinter. But this ‘splinter’ is about an inch in diameter. _Our combined magic must have started to push it out._ Hovering her hand over the protruding end of the splinter, Regina first pictures the area becoming numb, then “seeing” the splinter pulled smoothly all the way out. Switching back to healing magic, the blood flow slows. Moments later wound is closed.

“Thanks, better” raspy but much stronger.

Pivoting back to face Emma, Regina watches her take a deep breath, then sniff the air.

“Regina? Are you really here? Or is this my wishful imagination again? Just to see you one more time…to have your breathtaking smile wash over me would be the greatest gift…but that is not to be. I hope to die soon...” tears streaming from still closed eyes.

“Yes, Emma I am here. Please, dear, open your eyes,” pleading “Open your eyes for me.”

“Kay, but I know you are not here…last person you want to see…woulda been kinder to kill you than bring her back…I didn’t know, I didn’t know…no excuse, though…thought I was helping…one less death on your hands…just another in a long list of stupid things I have done…s’okay. I am at peace, I accept that I am trash, disposable, replaceable…no, no more about me…OH GOD!!! Did I tell you I hurt Regina? I did. I hurt her, terribly. Must go away…die” impossibly there are even more tears.

Trying to keep her voice from betraying any emotion, Regina tries again. “Emma, I am here…please open your eyes.”

“No, you’re not. With Henry. Where you should be.” Flat, defeated. But her eyes open. ”Gotta be hallucinating.”

“I know you dropped Henry off with me. But then what happened? Tell me Emma, please”

“You smell like Regina…her magic…apples and spices. I miss that…her.” Eyes open but not focusing. _This must be what they mean by 1,000 yard stare._

“Your magic smells like sunshine after the rain. It is me, Emma. What happened? What did you do?” trying a cajoling tone.

“Had to get Henry to you…important you not be alone. Hurt you. Went to write note for Henry. Left badge I no longer deserved. No need for cell…no one to call. Walked to beach. Sat on the bench. Long time. Thinking. Remembering. Thought it would be better if no body to clean up. Let sea take me. Drink?”

“Yes, right here.” Helping Emma take more sips. “Not too much. Can you hold the bottle?” Relieved that Emma can hold the bottle and is speaking coherently despite thinking she is a hallucination Regina lets Emma have all the sips of water she wants.

“Did you know witches float? Salem witch trials got that right. At least for me. Walked until I couldn’t…swam and swam as far as I could…started to go under…thought it was over. Chest hurt as went deeper…think I passed out. Then was floating back to shore. Turns out my magic won’t let me drown. What to do now?”

Although Emma’s voice is stronger, it is clear that this robotic recounting is a matter of fact play by play. There are no more tears.

“I see. Then what happened?”

“Walked back to room. Got sidearm, extra magazines. Box of ammo. Supposed to go to range to requalify. Thought for…awhile. Drank some scotch. Razor blades. Rope from Bug. Where to go?    Where? Don’t want to be gruesome mess for anyone to clean up. Not forest. Eaten by animals…gross. Be alone. Inside…someplace”

Watching Emma finish the bottle of water, Regina quickly swaps out the empty for a full, opened bottle.

“Crypt. Started walking. Drinking. Thinking. No forgiveness. Hurt Regina. Must atone. Finally arrive. Go to furthest room. No one would look there, not for me. New baby…take my place. Never really had a place…didn’t fit…too old for parents. Did my duty, broke curse. Everybody happy…but not Regina. Want Regina happy. Fucked up. Hurt Regina. Took away her happy ending. Done now. No need for me anymore. Remembered foster home where little girl cut wrists…but wrong way…across not lengthwise. Razor blade. Try to go deep, bury blade in…wrist to elbow. Nothing. Try again. Again. Again. Again. Blade bent. No blood. Damned magic. New blade. Try other arm. Push hard. Harder. Again. Again. Again. Can’t even do this right. Go find chair. Tie noose. Toss it over beam. Tie it off. Stand on chair, noose around neck, push chair with feet. Neck hurts. Getting hard to see. Darker. Then falling. Despair. Failure. Magic frayed rope. Leg hurts...arms hurt…neck hurts…doesn’t matter. Nothing like Regina hurts.” Emma finally pauses to drink. Regina is grateful for the quiet, for the images to fade from her mind’s eye, but dreads what is coming next.

“Sit over against wall. Try shooting myself. Hurts. No blood. Try shooting different place. Try shooting several times, different places rapidly. Angry not working. Empty clip. Reload. Empty Clip. Reload. Reload now empty magazines. Hurts. No blood. No wounds. No good. Decide to try starving. Wait for death to come.”

“Emma, you don’t have to die. I am not angry with you anymore. Let me take you home.”

“Home? Home? I have no home, just places to sleep. Leave me here.” Still in the robotic tone.

“Yes you do have a home, people who love you” Regina pleads reaching to touch

Seeing the movement Emma’s eyes suddenly focus, “Don’t touch me!” the shout echoes.

“Why shouldn’t I touch you?” brokenly whispered.

“Don’t you know? When we touch, even in anger, you feel like home to me. Where I am supposed to be…safe…where I matter…worthy of affection…not the Savior…not the Sheriff…not the White Knight…just me…and I no longer deserve your touch.”


	5. Chapter 5

I’m Sorry

Chapter 5

 

“Alright Emma. I will not touch you. But you do have people who love you. Your parents, Hook, and Henry will be devastated if you do this. People who care about you- Granny, Ruby, Grumpy, Archie, and Belle all come to mind with little thought. I am certain there are others, people you have helped that I am not aware of. And you have to admit the majority, if not all, of the town at least like you for breaking the curse. You will be sorely missed.” _Never expected that I would have to say that pirates name and the word love so close together._

“Oh, please. My parents have a new baby that they get to raise. Named him Neal. I guess that was nice. I had to talk long and hard for them to not name him Daniel. Talk about cruel. And thoughtless. Anyway. Henry has always had you, even when he was being a little shit. You make a better parent than anyone I have ever met. As for Hook- he was a distraction at best. I tried, but kissing was as far as I could stomach. Since Snow can no longer push me at Neal, Hook is the next ‘best’ for me. Just someone else to hand me off to.”

Regina can almost taste the bitterness from Emma’s tone. _Yet another thing we have in common_ - _pushy mothers. Really, neither name should have been considered. Thoughtless, indeed._

“I don’t want Henry wondering what he did or didn’t do that caused you to do this. I don’t want to have to explain that I found you and left you to die. Especially as I have already forgiven you for the incident in question.” _Guilt with a twist._

“What? There is NO forgiveness for what I did, ever. I hurt you, lost your trust…lost your friendship.” Tears begin falling anew.

“No, Emma. I admit, I was furious at first. Yet another person meddling in my affairs. But once I let myself think about how I felt about Robin…I allowed the idea of having a soul mate to override all other considerations. I want to choose- not leave my happiness to fate, fairy dust or a lion tattoo.”

“That does not excuse that I hurt you, something I had hoped to never do again.”

“Emma, people hurt one another every day. Some do so on purpose, some by accident. You and I, I am sorry to say, will hurt each other from time to time. I believe we have been through enough that these hurts can be overcome. Now please, let’s go, let me take you home.”

“Wait, before you go or disappear…” Emma closes her eyes, lips moving soundlessly as she reaches into her own chest, removes her heart and casually tosses it at Regina. “Take this with you, it has belonged to you for a long time anyway.”

“EMMA!” Eyes on the warm heart, Regina holds it gently, carefully cupped in both hands. Never has a heart beat so strongly, glowed so brightly, not even Henry’s. Becoming accustomed to the light, the scars from heartbreak are like a metropolitan roadmap. _Regret is so pervasive but underneath is love. So much love, yearning to be given. For Henry, Snow, David…and for me, most of all for me._

Returning the heart to its owner, Regina leaves her hand resting on Emma’s chest allowing her own tears to fall. Only then does she realize Emma is unconscious again.

  _I can care for her better at home._ When the smoke clears, they are both gone.


	6. Chapter 6

I’m Sorry

Chapter 6

 

Appearing in her bedroom Regina lays Emma down gently on the bed then casts several spells. One to prevent Emma from being able to leave the house either on foot or magically. Keeping Emma in a restful, restorative sleep. ‘Child proof’ the bed and bath room to remove anything Emma might try to hurt herself with. One to link Emma’s magic to her own, feeding her strength and healing. The last spell to thoroughly bathe and redress Emma in her own clean clothes. _Okay, Emma is taken care of for the moment. Time to talk to Henry._

It was the aromas that woke Emma. Sausage, tomato and garlic. Freshly baked bread. Stretching out her arms accompanied by a jaw cracking yawn, it occurs to her that the crypt did not have a bed. So there were no incredibly soft sheets nor fluffy pillows. Prying open an eye, the light here was different…more of it…like late afternoon. Both eyes open now, sitting up and earnestly looking around what is clearly a bedroom. Not her bedroom, though. Pulling at the top, she recognizes it as her own worn tank top. Checking under the sheets, her favorite pair of pale blue boy shorts. The panic she expects for waking up in a strange bedroom hasn’t come yet. Shrugging a shoulder, Emma gets out of bed and spots her shirt, bra, jeans and socks folded neatly on a chair. Taking the few steps to reach her clothes, Emma sees into the en suite. Deciding to use the facilities before dressing, she steps in. The nearest sink belongs to the owner of the bedroom with several hygiene items on the counter. By the second sink is a brand new tooth brush in its box, a tube of toothpaste, hair brush, lotion, deodorant…someone went to a lot of trouble. Finished and feeling oddly refreshed, Emma dresses idly wondering where her boots are.

Opening the bedroom door, stepping into the hall the mouthwatering scents are stronger and she knows exactly where she is. Regina’s house. That is Henry’s bedroom. The guilt of robbing Regina of her happiness, losing her trust brings her to her knees, along with her failure to pay for those sins.

Regina is aware that Emma is awake and moving about. Wondering whether to go to her or wait downstairs, her decision is made for her by the resounding thud of Emma’s knees hitting the floor and the magical connection relaying the emotions now out of control.

Hurrying from the kitchen to the upstairs landing Regina kneels and gathers Emma into a firm hug.

“Shhh, it’s okay. I’ve got you.” Regina whispers while her hands gently make soothing circles along and across Emma’s back. Holding Emma while she sobs, Regina starts rocking and hums a melody that she used with Henry when he was upset.

Some minutes later the sobbing has tapered off to tears and hitching of breath.

“I don’t deserve this.” Emma stammers out.

“Hush, Ms. Swan. When you have collected yourself, dinner is ready.”

“I’ve made your shirt all wet.”  Almost her normal tone of voice.

“It’ll dry, as will yours. If you’re ready?” releasing her hold on Emma, Regina pulls back to look into her eyes. But Emma is hanging her head. Softly touching Emma’s chin, using as little force as necessary, Regina pulls Emma’s head up. “It _is_ okay.”

Helping each other stand, they make their way downstairs. Regina gestures for Emma to sit at the dining table and continues on to the kitchen.

 

Their meal is shared quietly with Emma focused mainly on her plate.

“Thank you, Regina, for well…everything. I’ll help you clean up and then go.” Picking up her plate and silverware, Emma starts to rise.

“You are welcome, of course. You may dry, if you wish. But you are not leaving until we talk, Ms. Swan.  Be that today or tomorrow or the next day.” Said not with the usual bite. More like the tone reserved for Henry.

Not waiting for a rebuttal, Regina gathers her own dishes and heads for the kitchen.

Regina packages up the leftovers waiting for Emma to join her, knowing she is still sitting at the dining table sorting through her emotions. The advice from Archie was to keep Emma in a safe place both mentally and physically while encouraging her to talk. Figuring out how to do that was Regina’s problem.

It wasn’t until Regina was loading the dishwasher that Emma wandered into the kitchen. Adding her plate and silverware, Emma turns to check for the pots and pans that have to be washed by hand. Noticing that half of the sink is already full of soapy water, the countertops clear, Emma starts washing the first item she touches.

“Where is Henry?” a good, safe question.

“He is spending the night at a friend’s house.”

“Good. Is he okay?” left unsaid but clearly communicated- what does he know?

“A bit upset that I sent him off tonight. He knows I found you. That you tried to hurt yourself. Not the specifics, of course. I assured him that we would all be together tomorrow.”

“I guess…okay. Anything else that you want washed?” Emma has not turned around, won’t look at Regina. Instead she sidesteps over to wipe down the counter tops and stove.

“No, I think you took care of everything. Would you like a drink? I believe I’ll have one, join me?” A drink or two, but no more, might help Emma relax.

“Sure, whatever you’re having is fine. I’ll just rinse these pots and stuff, let the water out. In your office or the living room?”

 

 

Emma putters about in the kitchen as long as she can, hearing low, soft music playing in the living room and the scent of a fire burning. With nothing else to wipe down for the fifth time she gives in.

Entering the living room she notes a few dim lights, lit candles and Regina curled up on one end of the sofa, staring into the small fire crackling away, her hands toying with small tumbler of amber liquid. A matching tumbler on the end table at the other end marks where Emma is expected to sit.

Sitting down, resisting the urge to gulp down the drink, Emma takes a sip and a deep breath “So, what do you want to talk about?” Her eyes drawn to the dancing fire.

“What do you remember from our discussion at the crypt?” Regina can see how tense Emma is from her reflection in the mirror over the fireplace.

“I don’t know…everything, I guess.” Fiddling with the shoelace wrapped around her wrist.

“Then you know I am okay with what happened at the diner. I hold no ill-will towards you, none at all. I thought you were busy with your parents, your new brother and that pirate. It never occurred to me that you would hurt yourself for me.”

“I am…devastated that I hurt you, horrified that I took away your chance at happiness, all the trust is just gone. I want you to be happy…you more than anyone in Storybrooke, possibly all of Maine deserve it and I…must pay, somehow. Make it right. I just don’t know how.” Emma’s voice gets quieter the longer she speaks but the pain lacing the words, in her heart, vibrate in the room. Regina is sure she is crying again although Emma is hanging her head, staring at her lap, her hair hiding her face.

“Emma.” Emma’s head snaps up from looking at her lap. “I need you to really listen to me. I was hurt, I cannot deny that, but I am okay now. I have been for a while now. Robin was not for me, not here. Not now. He may have been years ago, I don’t know. I want to choose my mate, not have someone shoved down my throat. I do trust you, I have never stopped trusting you. There is nothing you must pay for. You have to forgive yourself.”

“Do not tell me what I have to do.” Emma retorts.

_Ah there she is, the Emma I have come to know. Good_. “You are right, of course. I misspoke. I imagine you feel enough pressure from everyone to fulfill their expectations for your role as Sheriff/Savior/Daughter/Princess. I understand how trying to live under pressure like that pulls you in several directions at once until something inevitably gives. I should have said I wish you would forgive yourself.” Regina soothes and backpedals.

“Okay. Good talk. Can I go now?”

“If you don’t want to talk anymore tonight, that is fine. But, Ms. Swan, you are not leaving this house until I am certain that you will not attempt to further hurt yourself. You have already gone to great lengths to punish yourself over this incident and I don’t believe this brief discussion will suffice.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma and Regina come to an understanding about Marian

I’m Sorry

Chapter 7

 

A/N my thanks to all of you dear, sweet readers

Trigger Warning: Suicide Attempts

 

Emma stands up, finishing off the tumbler of whatever it was, enjoying the burn, while trying to think of a way to get out of talking with Regina without hurting or upsetting her. Several ideas come to mind, each as unlikely as the next one. With a heavy sigh, she walks over and picks up Regina’s empty glass.

“Okay, where do I get more of whatever you poured us?  I know it’s not your cider.”

“The decanter is on that side table, next to the ice bucket.” Standing as well Regina points to the table. “While you are doing that, I will attend to the fire.”

“Do you recall giving me your heart, Ms. Swan?” _Perhaps this topic should be handled while we are both doing something else_. Hearing Emma drop the ice tongs, Regina reconsiders.

“I did that, huh. Thought that happened when I was talking to the you in my head. Sorry. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot like that.” Emma was taking an inordinate amount of time to pour two drinks.

“Having you recount the events leading to my finding you and then actually holding your heart gave me considerable insight to your feelings. To the depth of your feelings, really. While I was looking for you I had time to examine my feelings as well.” Turning from the fire to return to the couch, Regina sees that Emma has been standing stock still holding the two tumblers with a very sad expression on her face.

“I…umm am not ready to hear how disappointed you are with me. Not here with the real you. Your expression at the diner…the pain in your eyes, knowing I am the one responsible for putting it there…that was bad enough.”

Crossing over to Emma, gently taking one tumbler from an outstretched hand, Regina leads Emma back to the couch. “Let us sit. What do you mean ‘the real me’?”

“I’ve been having conversations with you in my head. They don’t go well. I can’t explain why I did it any better than I already have and you always have that ‘surprised I’ve been stabbed in the back by the last person I expected’ heartbroken look on your face, in the catch of your breath, in the tone of your voice. Anything I’ve come up with to apologize, to make it right, seemed so half assed lame that I decided to pay with my pitiful life. Right now that doesn’t feel like enough, though.”

“Don’t you understand that you would be profoundly missed?”

“The precious Savior might be missed but not…not _me_. Ruby will make an excellent Sheriff. Snow and David have their new baby. Henry has you and you have Henry. I have done what was prophesied. I should have left then, maybe things would be better for you now.”

“You are very much wanted, needed and loved here. Everyone would be effected by your absence.”

Emma snorted at that. “Not everyone. And love is more troublesome than it is worth.”

“Why do you say that?

“Neal, Snow, David, Killian all claim to love me but it feels more like they each want me to be someone I’m not. A piece of me, like I am property or a prize…to dictate how I should behave. It’s not what I thought it would be like to have parents. It doesn’t matter anyway. The baby will take my place, be better.”

“What about Henry? He would miss you, wonder why you left him.”

“Henry will be okay. I was never meant to be a mother anyway. Besides, he has you.”

“I don’t think that is true. You love him. You want the best for him. You fight for him. You provide for him. You talk with him, spend time with him, look out for him, help him see life as not just black and white…what else do you think you need to do for him?”

“I have always been a fuck up, a disappointment, not enough in some undefinable way…that doesn’t seem to be changing no matter what I try to do or not do.”

“I see. Well, Ms. Swan you seem to have a negative answer for everything. What about me?”

“What do you mean, you?” suddenly finding the contents of the tumbler very interesting.

“Don’t you, don’t you think I would miss you?”

“You wouldn’t have to keep saving me, you could have Henry all to yourself, my parents would leave you alone…I see only pluses, really.”

“But there would be no one to challenge me, call me out when I am about to go too far, remind me that I _do_ have choices, someone to share Henry with.”

Thinking that Regina is finished speaking Emma is about to reply when quietly

“Someone to care for.”

Stunned, Emma just sits, wide eyed, mouth open slightly. The only sounds the soft music and crackling fire.

“I know how you feel about me, Emma. You gave me your heart. I held it and couldn’t help but feel your feelings for so many people. I have known for a while that you cared for me. All the times you came to defend me, help me, even when you didn’t have to. I was at Granny’s when you told off those men who were talking about me. I had never witnessed you so angry and to know it was on my behalf was a revelation. But I didn’t know your feelings for me were so deep, multifaceted until the crypt.”

Regina chances a glance only to see Emma curled into herself, crying again.

“Why are you crying?”

“This, this is what I’ve been dreading, you finding out that I lo…I don’t want you to think I brought _her_ back on purpose…to sabotage you and Robin…I didn’t know, I swear, I didn’t know…”

Standing up, walking the few steps to sit down right at Emma’s side “Shhh, it’s okay. I didn’t think that, I don’t think that…I believe you when you say you only want my happiness. You care so much that you put others wants before your own.”

“Why are you so understanding? I don’t deserve” Emma’s words are stopped by Regina’s fingertips against her lips.

“I don’t know how to convince you…give me your hands. No arguing. Just for once, comply Ms. Swan.”

Emma wipes the tears off her cheeks then wipes her hands on her jeans before holding out both hands towards Regina. Looking up only when she feels something warm being placed into her hands.

“Holy shit Regina!! Put that back”

“It is only fair. I held yours, now you hold mine.”

Emma cradles the heart, feeling its weight, studying its scars, noting the changes in color from small spots of bright blood red to larger areas of deep, dark black. Never having held a heart before, Emma thinks it is smaller than she expected and much heavier. Wondering if she’ll be able to access feelings like Regina does, her hands start to tremble. Not wanting to drop Regina’s heart, she holds it to her chest, against her own, feeling the beats of the two organs synchronize. Leaning back to ensure her hands wont squeeze, the feelings, Regina’s feelings start to flow into her own. Unconditional love for Henry. Affection and admiration for Granny and Ruby. Complicated, entwined feelings for Snow that will take some time to sort out, if Emma is able to hold on to them. Feelings for other people whose images pass by too quickly to identify. Oh, Cora. Love, adoration, disappointment, awe, frustration, fear, manipulation, dissatisfied, vindictiveness, revenge, intimidation so many, so fast, felt for Cora and from Cora…Henry. Again? Oh, Henry her father. Love and overwhelming disappointment with a touch of shame. Love, admiration, compassion, empathy, comradery, playfulness, glorious happiness…for who? Who is the lucky soul that Regina feels like this for?

Ohholyshitchristwhatthefuck! Its ME!

Regina has been watching the play of emotions across Emma’s face and knows when her feelings for Emma hit her. Emma’s eyes, which had been lost looking inwards are now actively seeking her own.

“Yes, it is true. Just as true as your feelings for me. Hearts can’t lie.” Regina whispers.

“Jesus, Regina. I just…and you…I am holding your heart! Christ, put it back before I do something wrong!” Although Emma wants to shove the heart back to Regina so that she can put it back, she moves as slowly as she can. The precious gift that she has been given must be treated with the utmost care. Gently transferring the heart from her cupped hands into Regina’s open palms, there is a gasp.

“Fuck, what did I do _now_? Are you hurt?” Panic and concern rival one another in Emma’s tone.

“No, no Emma. I am fine.” Regina soothes. “My heart, though. Look!”

“I can’t take hurting you again, I _told_ you I fuck everything up! Should I get Rumple?!?” Emma is looking wildly around for something, someone to help that she misses the ecstatic look on Regina’s face.

“Calm down, Emma. I am fine. You are fine. Relax, breathe, dear.” Patting Emma’s hands with her free one, Regina waits until Emma breathes easy.

“Look.” Holding her heart out towards Emma both women stare in wonder.

“Did I…did I do that? Did it hurt? Are you still you?” Emma stammers in an awed whisper. Taking in the heart again, now it is bigger. More like the size Emma imagined. And the coloring is different. A _lot_ more bright, blood red…a _lot_ less deep, dark black, although there is still black there. The scars don’t seem to be as prominent, either.

“You took away most of the blackness…look at it glow…and it is not so heavy. Do you want to hold it again?” Regina’s eyes move from her heart to Emma’s eyes and back again, a smile gracing her lips.

“Are you kidding? You don’t know if this is bad! Are you still you? Did this change you, somehow?” worried, grasping Regina’s free hand.

“I don’t feel any different right now. I didn’t feel any pain while you were holding my heart, just your feelings for me. Which are warm, so very warm, soothing, and gentle-almost shy.”

“Well, if you think it is safe, put it back in Regina, please” Emma can’t hold her gaze into Regina’s bright eyes any longer.

Regina reluctantly decides that she can’t really sit here forever looking at her heart and puts it back in with a small “Oh.”

“Was that a good ‘oh’ or a bad ‘oh’?” Emma tentatively asks.

“Good. Definitely good. I feel lighter, free in some way.” The smile is even bigger than before.

“Good as in I wanna curse the whole town or good as in I am sitting on the floor with a dozen puppies?”

Full, rich laughter, Regina with her head thrown back is a sight and sound to behold. “Oh, Emma. Puppies good.”

“Soooo, you _are_ okay?”

“Better than merely okay. Thank you. But I do have a question for you.” Dancing, bright eyes.

“Yeah, sure…ask away. You don’t have to thank me, I would do anything for you.” Shy Emma is adorable.

“I would like to see your heart. I want to make sure you didn’t absorb the blackness from mine. Would you take it out? Or do you trust me to?”

Emma picks up their still joined hands and places Regina’s over her heart, meeting her eyes intently, “I told you already, this is yours. Do with it what pleases you.”

Regina knows it hurts like hell to have someone rip your heart out, having had it done to herself by Rumple. The thought that she might not be able to remove Emma’s heart since Cora couldn’t flits across her mind as well. Her hand sinks into Emma’s chest and fingers wrap around her heart. The sensation is so different. “Intent. Emotion. That makes all the difference.” And Emma’s heart is out of her chest, glowing as brightly as ever, beating strong, with nary even a darker spot. Relieved, Regina puts it immediately back in.

“All is well, Emma. Your heart is as light, good, and pure as it was when I held it in the crypt.”

“And I have told you three times now, It. Is. Yours.”


End file.
